Category Archives: tales of stupidity

Cop On Lads

Ok Girls, picture the scene. We’ve all been there. You’ve got all dressed up and you look bazzin’ in your new dress that makes the “girls” look awesome and your killer heels. You’re happily sitting in a bar chatting to some friends, catching up on the gossip, laughing your ass off at the latest bit of silliness and generally just having a lovely night out. All is going well…

Until some dude, comes along and tries to “open up your seated group”. Not as explicit as it sounds but hugely annoying nonetheless. You know the type; the sleazy, overly-confident creepy guy that uninvitedly approaches you and tries to charm one/all of you. If it doesn’t work, which it inevitably won’t unless you happen to have already downed several bottles of rosé, he’ll move swiftly on to the next unsuspecting group of females.

The “Shit at a wall” theory in action.

In my head (memory?) the kind of guy that usually does this is also the kind of guy that wears fake tan and overly tight T-shirts (á la Rob Kearney trying to make his pecs appear larger than they are – it’s the male equivalent of a Wonderbra) and carries with him a bottle of “fancy lager”, AKA the guy most sensible women would rather chew their own foot off than go home with.

The thing that’s always confused me about this scenario is really, what the fuck do these blokes think they’re doing?! Not the chatting up girls bit – they like, we like, everyone’s happy blah, blah. But the over-the-top macho, sleazy bullshit that comes with it. Tragically even the most sane bloke can come over (wrong turn of phrase?) all “Love Child of Peter Stringfellow & Jean Claude Van Damme” when “on the pull”.

And then I heard about Kama Lifestyles and all became clear. What appears to be the brainchild (and I use the word brain loosely) of some blokes called Ripped2Shreds and BluePoma (no, i swear I did not make that up!). A “Dating Training Company” where you can learn how to meet & attract beautiful women. They run weekend seminars for an incredibly pocket-friendly fee of €300 – bargain you might say! The seminars consist of 10-12 hours of theory and intense teachings and 6-8 hours of in-field training.

You can even learn some of their techniques online (slightly easier on the pocket I would imagine). My favourite being this little beauty; “The Nuclear Weapon of POA (er??), of relationships, of EVERYTHING!

[Stop Press: The boys at Kama Lifestyles have removed the original link from YouTube 😦 Come on lads, don’t be bad sports!]

However, here’s one from “Blue” himself talking about Alpha Males – still funny as…

Well for all potential Kama Lifestyles customers, I’m going to save you a whopping €300 and tell you what you need to know.

  1. Girls don’t generally like guys that come across as though they have a vial of rohypnol in their pocket just waiting to be poured into your drink!
  2. We do not like being hunted, tricked, sleazed at or generally “gamed”. It makes us uncomfortable which makes you repellent. We’re not just meat and you’re not a caveman anymore (unless, when we know each other much, much better we specifically ask you to be!)
  3. We like guys who are themselves – no games, no tricks, no bullshit. Just have a laugh with us and be yourself. If we all have a laugh and then get along, well, isn’t life grand? And who knows, we might just let you feel us up a bit at the end of the night.

Now, I know that the majority of blokes out there will be laughing their asses almost all the way off at the notions of our Kama Lifestyles friends, but some won’t. Some genuinely believe that they need all this bollocks to meet women and they deserve to know that they don’t have to waste their hard-earned cash on this head-fuckery. So, spread the word – it’s not rocket science. We’ve all got our insecurities, but just try to be yourself. We’ll love you more for it in the long run.

In the meantime, girls, steer clear of Dublin on 23rd & 24th May and 6th & 7th June as I am reliably informed there’ll be a horde of overly horny, raring-to-go, recently trained men with an arsenal of “Nuclear Weapons”, scouring the town under the watchful eyes of Mssrs. Ripped2Shreds & BluePoma. Just stay in & wash your hair or count your legs or stick pins in your eyes – it’s got to be better for you!

Non-speccy two eyes

Sometimes, I am a total and utter numpty. Add to that the fact that sometimes I am a pathetic fashion victim and forget what I actually look like and that I don’t faff about at Parson’s School of Design in NYC during my 9-5, and you’re in for the odd fashion disaster from time to time.

Not tooting my own horn or anything, but I’m not usually what you might call sartorially challenged. I dress pretty well most of the time, or at least like to think so. So, I can only assume that I had some kind of brain fart when I chose to buy these from the lovely ASOS home of many a bargain for the budget-minded fashionista (god I hate that word!)

Photo Credit:

Photo Credit:

Now, why would I do this? I have no fucking idea. I don’t even wear glasses, though I kind of wish I did, however, I digress. So, anyway there came a day when my super cool glasses arrived. Did I look any good in them? Did I heckers-like! I looked like a twat!

The glasses have gone back.