Category Archives: being a dick

Lessons for ladies everywhere

Straight from the horses mouth, so to speak.

Fair play to him… at least he’s honest 😉 LMAO

What Goes On Tour…

…evidently doesn’t stay on tour, as my girlfriends have been pestering me to write a  post about our recent weekend away to Galway. Now, I’d like to think this is testament to my writing skills and the fact that I’m funny as fuck, but as a group we do like to reminisce about good times, so I feel it’s more a case of them all wanting to have it all noted down somewhere for posterity and those times  when they need a chuckle.

Further more, my memories of that weekend are seriously patchy in part, as my age is catching up with me and I now have a brain that turns to swiss cheese when I’ve been drinking. But here goes…

First of all let me introduce the key cast members*:

Fergie – Co-Lead

Martha – Co-Lead

Leona – Co-Lead

Anne – Co-Lead

Al – The Bar Tender

Lovely Jim

Noah – Boat builder

Hot Dude – a hot, er, dude

GAA Boy

Joe – GAA Boy’s Younger Brother

The Krankees – Teeny, tiny couple that we saw everywhere

The Captain

Rowley Birkin QC

The English Rose – Al the Bar Tender’s GF

*All names have been changed to protect the guilty

Now, I’m going to split this over a few posts because it’s just too long to put into one overall post – what can I say, we crammed a lot in.  The chapters will be thus:

Friday – It’s Groundhog Day

Saturday – Coo Coo Ca Choo Mrs Robinson

Sunday & Monday – 15 Hour Party People

Try not to judge… it was probably much worse than I’ve been able to relay here.

Road Trip!

Woohoo! My girlfriends are coming over this week and we’re all heading to Kinvara, Co. Galway for a weekend of fun & frolics.

Woohoo! Oh, I already said that, but fuck it I am excited, dammit!

I am so ready for a weekend with three of the funniest women on the planet. Sadly one of the world’s other top 5 funny women couldn’t make it as she’s doing a triathlon back at home – I know, I know, she’s mental, but we’re related so you’re not going to pretend to be surprised by that are you?

I like to think we’ll be really cool looking like Alicia Silverstone & Liv Tyler (and another hot mate like, er, Drew Barrymore or something) in the Crazy video, as we bounce over the potholes cruise along the road, but more than likely we’ll be doing stuff like this as we drive along.

romymichele

Cut loose! Footloose! Kick off your sunday shoes!

Especially as we’re off to a hooker festival!

So, to get to the point (it always takes me a while), I’m pulling together a playlist of songs for us to singalong to. So far, tracks include, the following, but I would love to know if there’s a seriously awesome roadtrip track that you think I’m missing, please leave a comment below…

  1. Needle in a Haystack – The Velvelettes
  2. Black & White Town – Doves
  3. Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
  4. War! – Edwin Starr
  5. The Reeling – Passion Pit
  6. Tribute – Tenacious D
  7. Got to be Real – Cheryl Lynne
  8. Woke Up This Morning – Alabama 3
  9. Summertime Clothes – Animal Collective
  10. The General Specific – Band of Horses
  11. Walk Like an Egyptian – The Bangles
  12. Push It – Salt & Pepa
  13. God Only Knows – The Beach Boys
  14. Hanging on the Telephone – Blondie
  15. Across 10th Street – Bobby Womack
  16. Cancel on Me – Bombay Bicycle Club
  17. The Seed 2.0 – The Roots
  18. Tiger Phone Card – Dengue Fever
  19. Road to Joy – Bright Eyes
  20. Moi je Joue – Brigitte Bardot
  21. Lloyd, I’m Ready To Be Heartnbroken – Camera Obscura
  22. Superstar – The Carpenters
  23. Race for the Prize – The Flaming Lips
  24. Whoo! Alright-yeah… Uh huh – The Rapture
  25. Build Me Up Buttercup – The Foundations
  26. Laid – James
  27. Waterloo – Abba
  28. Dress You Up – Madonna
  29. Boys Don’t Cry – The Cure
  30. Ask – The Smiths
  31. Rudie Can’t Fail – The Clash
  32. Love Child – The Supremes
  33. All I Need To Get By – Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrel
  34. Womanizer – Britney
  35. Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough – Michael Jackson
  36. You’re so Vain – Carly Simon
  37. No Good Start The Dance – Prodigy
  38. Me & Julio Down By The Schoolyard – Simon & Garfunkel
  39. True – Spandau Ballet
  40. Dog Days Are Over – Florence & The Machine
  41. Afternoon Delight – Ron Burgundy & The Channel 4 News Team
  42. Psycho Killer – Talking Heads
  43. Bette Davis Eyes – Kim Carnes
  44. I Wanna Dance With Somebody – Whitney Houston (that one’s going to hurt a lot!)
  45. Dog Train – The Levellers (a new on on me, but we’ll give it a whirl nonetheless I’m sure!)
  46. …???

So, please let me know what songs you think we should add to the list – it’s a fair old drive, so we’ll need a few.

The light blue ones are the add-ons I’ve already received – thanks guys. More please, we want to be hoarse by the time we arrive 😉

In return I’ll share the embarrassing stories (about them, not me you understand) that occur over the course of the weekend and lead to pics like this and this. And if you’re lucky I might even tell you what the “Mystical Web of Secret Toilet Love Is” – needless to say it is already a Kinvara legend

Can you tell I’m looking forward to this trip much? Hmmm…

Yeah, yeah, women love shoes, blah, blah, blah

For years Ad Land has been unashamedly sexist. Practically every female-orientated brand has managed to portray Men as smelly half-wits who are incapable of doing the simplest of tasks, like figuring out how a fucking Air Freshener works, but don’t get me started on that particular brand – anyone been to Paul’s house recently? Apparently he’s a really smug little shit!

But now, it seems like the tables are turning and women are the new idiots on the block.

Now, I’m not going to try and rationalise a woman’s right to lust after shoes or even argue that there’s any perspective to it. I’m a self confessed shoe fiend and recently got very excited about the new shoe boxes I bought from Ikea that meant I could see all of my shoes at a glance and am currently wishing away what’s left of the summer so that I can go out and get myself a pair of these thigh-high boots for the winter. Yes I know they’re impractical. Yes I know I might end up looking like a hooker. But that’s part of their charm.

I would however, never do the following:

  1. Run down the street in my nightgown (partially because I don’t wear one, but this isn’t about streaking)
  2. Leave a baby to bask (bake?) in direct sunlight
  3. Abandon a group of small children on the side of a street and let them run along the road after me

… all to get shoes from a truck!

FROM A FUCKING TRUCK!!

Fair play to the men of Ad Land for starting to fight back – you’ve had a hard time of it in recent years, but is this really how women are going to be portrayed?! Pesonally I think it just smacks of laziness, from the client and their agency alike. Women love shoes, ergo they will drop everything that matters to them to get their hands on a pair. That’s not an insight, it’s what happens when you leave naff all time to work on a brief and you know your client’s going to buy it because it’s “safe”.

And dooooon’t even get me started on the fact that none of these women has a decent job amongst them – the only one actually at work is a fucking Lollipop lady! (Though granted her response at the sight of said shoe truck does suggest a somewhat limited mental capacity and thus render her perhaps unsuitable for more complicated jobs – hell, she can’t even do this one properly!)

So it’s the middle of 2009 and where have we come since our fight for suffrage, keeping the country going through a world war and 40+ years of trying to break through the glass ceiling?! Well, we’re a bunch of dimwitted idots that will neglect our children, husbands, jobs (and I use the term job VERY loosely here) all to buy some fugly shoes from an out & out dickhead in a pimped-out Ice Cream truck?!

Well, not me thanks Buddy. I don’t care “how you roll” I’m not going to jump out of bed, hurdle over garden walls and into the path of oncoming traffic like some kind of vapid, shoe obsessed bint…

…well, not unless you’re giving these beauties away I’m not.

Just because

Wash my mouth out with soap?

Starting to think I should always have one of these stuck to me somewhere…

Yes, I'm Sorry... but I have the mouth of as Navvy.

Yes, I'm Sorry... but I have the mouth of a Navvy.

A Gaythering Storm

The National Organisation for Marriage in the US, recently broadcast a Public Service Announcement campaigning against same-sex marriage, with the standard blah, blah, blah about faith etc as an excuse for their bigotry.

I’m not going to argue the rights or wrongs of same sex marriage here, it’s a weighty issue and frankly, this blog is supposed to be a light-hearted bit of nonsense.

What I will point out though, is that they think that allowing same-sex marriage somehow puts heterosexual marriages at risk. Now, someone could marry a their dog, or a fucking Real Doll for all I care, and it would have absolutely no bearing upon whether or not I decided that marriage was for me.

Personally I just think they’re worried that all those “gay folk” are going to out-do us straight types with more tasteful, better dressed, and more long-lasting marriages. That’s the real risk as far as I can see – gay men & women just being more successful at marriage than the rest of us, as frankly, we’re not doing tremendously well at it currently, what with almost 50% of marriages currently ending in divorce.

But, it seems I’m not alone in thinking that the NOM PSA is pretty riseable…